Khan's Castle

My taste for SF continues to be sated, most recently with Ursula K. Le Guin's Four Ways to Forgiveness, what I found to be a beautiful collection of four novellas. Le Guin writes, among other things, soft SF, where the real subject is humanity and attendant issues. Her treatment of those topics is, itself, unusually compassionate; as much as any writer I've ever read she seems to feel for the people in her stories. Forgiveness is part of the Hainish Cycle, and so I have more to look forward to.

Moving on. . .

If you've never read any of Roger Ebert's zero star reviews, do yourself a favor and have a look at one. His review of September Dawn is the latest. You can easily find them via the advanced search page on his web site. All are very well written. Some of them are really funny.

An old friend sent me this cake-taking link with the subject line "Proof that governments are insane". No kidding!

I should warn my Buddhist friends about this, huh?

On another note—no pun in tended—a friend enlightened me to the wonders of Vaughan Williams' Mass in G Minor. I was not able to listen to the entire piece, but I hope to hear it performed before I die at a particular church I'm very fond of. The parts I heard are heartbreakingly beautiful, almost unbelievablly so. I don't know which recording is considered best; many show up on an Amazon search.

New York City.

A good friend—the reason I am here—shared fine meals and congenial company with me and gave me compassion and laughter. We walked and talked for hours.

He also gave me the space to be me.

Thus, in a paradoxical turn, this busiest of locales became a place of solitude and reflection. A number of hours were spent alone sitting, thinking, and praying over events in my life, happenings in my mind. As my thoughts wandered through pain and grief from the past and fears of the future, emotions came and went like the tide. Fingers of loneliness felt through me, blocking my attempts to return to the present, to center.

A talk with a wise person helped me see a way forward.

In truth, my life could have been much worse—countless peoples' are—but I and others of my family share certain hurts, some of which caused me to hurt others, and as I come to a deeper understanding, ignoring them and carrying on as before feels wrong.

Looking deep inside to find my true self will be difficult.

I'm scared.

Pray for me and wish me luck.

The man in the Panama hat sighed as his martini was served in a sherbet glass.

A girl at the bar read a book while working her way through a plate of something colorful but indistinct. Cocked sideways against the rail she might also have been watching the TV—flittering visions of various sports—or the wait staff gathered in the corner chuckling over who-knows-what. Heat outside was kept as bay by hulking air conditioners in a corner, but the place managed to look sweltering and sweaty even in the cool. Bare wood floor, finish hanging by a thread in the corners, had endured the trampings of countless patrons looking for a drink, perhaps a place out of the weather.

Looking at that odd glass, Panama imagined what perverse turn of events might have precipitated such a choice in tableware: Was someone murdered by the broken stem of the proper item? Any bar that had seen the number of beverages poured that this one obviously had would surely have a martini glass. He looked at his companion, gave a little shake of his now bare head that held sparkling eyes.

"Cheers."

Here's a type of story I just love: Brian May, the guitarist from Queen, 30 odd years after starting it, finally finished and turned in his thesis in astronomy and was awarded his PhD. In a BBC interview with him, you can see what an intelligent and articulate man he is, one that just happened to be a rock star. My hat's off. Best wishes to Brian.

Here's a real head-shaker: A reality show that follows someone for whom at least a large part of their job is making another reality show. I'm trying really, really hard to let go of the aversion.

Hehe...

Last night, I lost my temper with someone very dear to me. I distinctly remember several instances of choosing to escalate my anger at my loved one's expense. I essentially and willingly voilated any number of precepts that I know to follow, things that if lived by bring peace. Issues were on my mind, stresses of life were perhaps greater than normal, but still, my behavior was reprehensible. In retrospect, it was all for no good reason.

Was it understandable? Yes. I'm human.

Forgivable? I hope so. I apologized to this person and I believe it was accepted. I asked their forgiveness and was told that it was given.

The hard part: Can I forgive myself?

Part of what I've learned of late is that in order to love others I must first learn to love myself. I must have compassion for myself before I can have it for others. Now I find in the aftermath of such an incident—self-loathing now quelled with the help of a talk with a friend—here in my middle years, that I scarcely know what "compassion for myself" looks like.

I need to learn, though, for my own sake and for the sake of those around me.

Hanson has some interesting comments about Military History and its state in American academic institutions. At the bottom of the article is a guide and reading list for studying military history. The old maxim about repeating history because of ignorance of it applies in spades here, as well as an acknowledgement of man's basic nature. Interesting reading.

Related is spiritual life in which killing is taught to be wrong. Rapprochement between Christian or Buddhist teaching and the realities of human life is difficult, sometimes centering on the question: Is survival worth killing for? I know one monk who, I think, would answer "No." I think I would answer "Yes", but then questions of imminent danger, perceptions, and accuracy arise and make the question stickier. One thing is this: I don't want to answer "Yes".

It's an old human problem, but one that makes me think anew from time to time.

Ever think of music as a mind-altering drug?

I notice it as I ride back and forth to work, almost the only time that I really listen to music anymore. In particular, I notice the contrast between the last few months when I had quit listening to music while driving, the past before that and the present now since I've loaded up my little iPod Shuffle (another story) and have had it with me the last week or so.

I've enjoyed Clannad's music for years—still I only have a couple of their albums—and I put a few of their songs in the iPod the other day. I find Moya Brennon's vocals to be beautifully evocative, reflective, intimate. The songs I chose are sung in Gaelic and so I hear complex sounds, not words that I can assign meaning to. Purely emotional content is communicated. The effect on my mood is more subtle than, say, alcohol but if I watch for it, it's detectable.

The next questions would be: Is the effect just associational, that is, stemming from events at another time when I listened to the piece? Is it addictive? (I would tend to answer in the affirmative on this.) Are there other sources of the effect? When I "watch for it", is that self-fulfilling?

The silliest part of it is that I often chose music that one might think would bring my mood down and, sure enough, it does. Brilliant, huh?

One has to laugh.

A quiet Sunday afternoon, a relaxing visit with an old friend, a great way to spend a little time. Out of touch with politics and sports just now, in the last few days. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. It just is.

No reason to judge it, and every reason not to.

Heat has settled on the area for a couple weeks now. Inside and air conditioning is the order of the day. Outside only if playing in water, but sometimes even that's too hot.

The height of summer.

I just spent a few days in a port city where it's easy to watch cargo ships come and go. I've always found transportation centers fascinating and there is something about ships that I find very romantic beyond all reason. Combine that with cell phone with a browser on it and a little fun is available. The idea only occured to me the last night I was there, but I was able to look online and find information on the last ship I watch ease by, the Maersk Daesan—a picture here—which can haul a cool 5060 TEU's of cargo. A TEU is a "Twenty foot Equivalent Unit", that is, one of those 20 foot containers that you'll see around. On the highways around the port, you constantly see trucks pulling 40 foot containers as a trailer, so that's 2530 of those on that one ship.

So, then my curiosity got the better of me and I googled for "largest container ships". Holy smokes! Check out the Maersk Emma, currently the largest container ship in the world. It can carry 11,000—yes, that's not a typo—TEU's, and at that Maersk is known for under reporting their ships' capacities; some outsiders put the Maersk Emma's capacity at around 14,000 TEU's going off of the ships dimensions. Nice little boat, eh?

The possiblities that come to mind for virtual worlds are very interesting. Sometimes I don't like where I think things are going, and sometimes I'm all for it. I think intent and focus has a lot to do with it. Check this article about what's happening soon in Second Life. Remarkable. I have an account in there—Mina Christensen. I may just have to log on and see what the event is like.

Hooray for Tiger's win yesterday at the PGA!

Also in the afternoon, we really enjoyed the Bourne Ultimatum. Great action! Fun romp in the theatre.

And, this morning, I woke up with this realization:

A good friend will often say things and have trouble following through. I get aggravated and feel I've been mislead, eventually thinking, "Why do I have to figure out whether what they say is true or not? Why are they misleading me? Why am I being lied to?" What I have completely missed over the years is that they are suffering and need help. In my self-centeredness, instead of perceiving someone else's pain and suffering, I only perceive my own, and thus, I fail to love them. My self-centeredness causes us both to suffer.

A self-centered focus like that reflects desire for something from the outside, which in itself reflects a belief that I am missing something, when in fact, I have all I need. It's yet another case of letting go of a desire, letting go of a belief that causes suffering. Another component in the situation is that I see that person as I want them to be instead of how they really are. That also is just another desire that, if let go, will let me see them as they are, which then will enable me to show the compassion that they, as human beings, deserve.

Now is the time to break old patterns that have caused much harm.

Now is the time to learn what love and compassion really are.

Now is the time to practice them.

I've grown to really like watching golf in the last couple years. I have a daughter who loves watching it with me. I've played a bit over the years, but not regularly, not often. I think the game has real beauty on many levels: The course itself, the elegant simplicity of the game—put the ball on the ground here, hit it into the hole over there, count how many hits it takes—and I enjoy the fact that it's a game that is not a metaphor for war. You basically play the course and yourself. Isn't that really a metaphor for life, instead?

And so Tiger has three stroke lead going into the final round of the PGA today; his partner will be Stephen Ames. Tiger will be looking for his 13th major championship, Ames for his first. I love to see Tiger play well and win because of the excellence of his play and because by all accounts he's a good man off the course. I just watched an interview with Ames and was impressed. He's a good man with a sense of humor who's been a contender in a major for the first couple times this year and is excited by that. I wish them both well today and tip my hat to how well they play a very difficult game.

After a little dispute with someone very dear to me this morning, I had to work to find my center again. The answer seemed to lie in two things: Acting honorably and doing what was the next right thing, and staying in the moment with that. My irritation and aggravation faded, and when I saw the person again a couple hours later, I was at peace. An old habit kicked in, prompting me to offer a one-line apologetic explaination that was likely unnecessary and, I think, would have been better left unsaid.

One lesson from this is that it isn't required I be spoken to a certain way. My pride was basically the source of the dispute. I simply could have taken the request to perform a task at face value, and done it. As it was, my mind flipped into thinking about the bigger picture and my feelings about being left out of the planning popped up. The instant they surfaced, I quit listening which made my partner aggravated as it became apparent. As I consider the coming work this afternoon, I can see that there will be plenty of opportunities to join in the planning once things are underway. What I was asked to do was necessary in all scenarios, and so any dispute over it makes no sense.

A Buddhist way of looking at it: Let go of desires and aversions, take in the situation without judging it, and respond in compassion so that no suffering is caused for myself or others.

A Christian way of looking at it: Don't let pride get in the way, trust God that you'll be OK, serve others in love.

Again, I am tempted to write how I harmonize the two views, but I think it's best to leave it. If one sees the harmony as I do, no description is necessary. If one doesn't, then no description is helpful. We're all on a spiritual path of one sort or another. I have one that works for me today.

Early this morning, I woke up in the dark with dark thoughts. Meditation by a single candle and a little incense lightened my soul as dawning light outside lightened the day itself.

I see that my misery is self-created and a change in mind is a change in world.

It's late in the day on a Friday. My afternoon here at the office is quiet and serene, work is almost done for the week.

I'm tempted to analyze and comment here about Buddhist and Christian beliefs. But there's no need, but perhaps to note only one thing: Things are what they are. I'm learning to simply accept it.

Letting go of desires—and aversions, the negative of desires—is such an interesting concept in its pervasiveness. It makes the difference, for example, between trying to preach to a grown child to do what you think is best versus simply passing along one's life experience in the matter and then continuing on. The difference between the two in that example is often the difference between having a chance at being heard or not. Such an old idea, so very relevant still.

Other names for desire, aversion, and delusion might be greed, hatred and lying—in all forms. Three classic causes of suffering. Once you have those clearly in mind, you can see them in action all over the place.

Also interesting is where life is counter intuitive at first blush, as in the previous case where holding tightly almost guarantees loss of opportunity while letting go enhances the chances of keeping it. Most eloquently written of in the Tao Te Ching.

Many opportunities for growth in my life.

It's hard to balance the ideas of letting go of desires and aversion and exercising proper parental control over children. Perhaps I'm over-controlling at times, but I don't want to live in a house that would look the way it would look if I didn't make them do some of the chores. Can I let go of that? I think if I just look at what the house would turn into if let go, I can say that it wouldn't be helpful to us to allow that, and so rather than judging it, we just do the tasks because they need doing.

Onward I go.

Zazen was good this morning—around 34 minutes—another refuge of calm clarity. A useful way to start the day. I time the sitting, not to control the time, only to measure what it turns out to be. I only have vague intentions when I sit down. On the weekends, I go for 30 minutes or better, on the weekdays before work, usually less, depending on how the morning is going, but at least 10. IF it's short in the morning, I sometime have another short one in the evening.

Over the last few days we watched a couple movies, both of which were follow-ons to anime series: Fullmetal Alchemist the Movie: The Conqueror of Shambala and Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex Solid State Society. I enjoyed them both but not as much as I would have expected. After digesting the story arc of an entire series, a 105 minute movie seems long enough to contain a good story, but not long enough, not deep enough. They're as well done as can reasonably be expected. I just think my tastes have changed somewhat.

Nothing like short concise titles, either, eh?

Soothing, spring quiet
Emptiness not filled, useful
Possibilities

Zazen this morning turned out to be a full 46 minutes, by far the longest time I've ever sat. It was serene and left me with things I wanted to write about, but now the day has started, I lost my temper for just a minute with my daughter, and so I can't remember what I wanted to write.

Part of the practice is to keep that serenity and mindfulness in daily life. Another part is not to judge it failure or success but simply accept it with compassion for myself and stick with it.

And so, the day continues, and I'll move into it and try to cause no suffering for myself or others and to be a useful part of the whole.

A comical note: My eighteen year old daughter took off with a friend on a car trip that will eventually encompass around 4000 miles of driving. She got a speeding ticket not 30 minutes from home before they had gotten out of town! I just laughed. Well, that's done. She's not in jail. The court date is after she gets back. And she'll be careful, now. God works in mysterious ways.

I'm fighting back anger this morning over a customer who was in the wrong and badgered our company until we gave them what he wanted. Already known as one of the problem children that we sometimes have to deal with, we just rewarded his bad behavior. That kind of thing doesn't help anybody, not us, and not him. Time that could have been spent on productive, properly proritized work was not, and like a spoiled child, he's incorrectly taught that bullying others is OK.

Zazen: Looking in helps one see out.

I sometimes think about the relationship between my Christian roots and my current Buddhist practice.

For me, Buddhist thinking informs my Christian beliefs from upbringing, and if I'm completely honest, what I've learned so far about the Buddhist way of thinking is the closer of the two to my own. They do come together in a deep place in my mind and heart, and although I'm not sure I could defend it rationally to a hardliner of either faith, it makes sense to me.

I note that in recent years, I had begun to reject the Christian anthropomorphized image of God as something I just couldn't swallow. I felt that an overly literal interpretation of the faith lead to a place of fear, hatred and exclusivity that I wanted no part of. Additionally, having a view that claimed a connection with the creator of the universe while at the same time claiming a sort of understanding of such a being eventually felt irreconcilably inconsistent. In my mind, for any sort of entity of that magnitude, I simply can only claim a belief that there is such an entity, nothing more. Thus, having already begun to think about my maker in a more mystical, abstract, and less deterministic way, embracing Buddhist teaching was very natural.

Ultimately, at this point in life, I need a spirituality that helps me, not one that creates division and disharmony.