Khan's Castle

Watching the Oscars last night, I found the award(s?) won by An Inconvenient Truth thought provoking and wondered if the people involved have faced what I think of as the Really inconvenient truth: Global warming, if it hasn't happened yet due to man's influence, will certainly happen at some point, for one simple reason: There's going to be far too many of us on this planet.

Depending on who you read, global warming may be a) not happening, b) happening due to natural causes, or c) due to man's activities. Without entering the debate about the present situation, I think it's a safe bet that if the population grows unchecked, global warming will have to happen, just due to inefficiencies in energy conversions.

Take Earth as a thermodynamic system. Heat comes in from the sun. Heat bleeds off by radiation, and perhaps in some other ways. All energy utilizations that have their source in materials located on Earth have inefficiencies that manifest as heat. In the past, this additional heat was an insignificant amount when compared to the total heat from the sun. Perhaps today it is significant. I don't know, but consider this: In 1820, world population was 1 billion. 2 billion in 1930. 4 billion in 1974. 6 billion in 2000. If this trend continues, any efficiencies gained by better gas milage, less driving, and the like, will be utterly swamped by the greater number of people making use of energy sources at all.

So, then what?

Who's going to tell whom they aren't allowed to breed?

The last few weeks, indeed months, have been a time of introspection. Thematically, salient points are honesty—with myself—and courage.

Lack of these things costs me dearly.

Years ago, I didn't understand how I could lie to myself. Now I do. All it takes is fear and a lack of courage to face the fear. I can lie to myself about almost anything when I'm afraid of what might happen as a result of apprehension.

Years ago, I didn't understand how much fear dominates my life. I remember an old friend making the discovery way back when, and how he talked about it. I either didn't make the connection or refused to, my fear providing its own scrim to hide behind. I've let fear control my relations with people, what I do, how I behave.

And so, at almost fifty years old, what am I going to do about it?

Yesterday and the day before, I sat with friends that are like me, and we talked about the hurts we've felt, the fears that made us cower, and the things that help us feel better and to be decent, productive, sane people. I discovered that I am not alone.

Today, I have read things that people have written. People that have suffered—and inflicted suffering—like me, wise people who have graciously shared hard-earned wisdom about these things in life that seem so simple but can be so hard.

Today, I have prayed to my Lord, read some of His words, and set aside some time to think what I've done and must do.

Today, I went for a walk, and with blustery wind raveling the outer peace until it tattered, I felt an inner peace given to me.

Here is what it said:

I will be alright. I'm not on a battlefield; no one is trying to kill me. The people I have feared before, I do not have to fear today, for they are suffering, too. And if I find my courage, I can help myself and others to not suffer quite so much.

Today is a good day.

Ha! Held a one-legged front lever for 15 seconds the other morning! 13 Seconds the next morning. Inching along. . .

My mind is all over the place trying to sit and write—anything. I have a journal that needs attention, a couple emails that need doing, and then this blog. So, let's try this for now. . .

The last couple days, I heard from Lord of the Rings Online, which is in beta. My account got turned on for the beta and a few hours into it, I'd say it's really a lot of fun. Having experience in Entropia Universe helps, as I imagine experience in any of those type of games would. A key difference: Entropia is completely open-ended; LOTRO is quest-oriented. Entropia can get boring if you're not a self starter or very social. LOTRO seems like it could feel constricted by being driven by the game itself all the time. Players, at least from what I've seen so far, are less friendly in LOTRO, I think because they have the game itself to occupy them. Entropia certainly does a better job in connoting the notion of a virtual world. LOTRO feels more like a game. One technicality that contributes to that is this: When you enter a new area in LOTRO, the game stops and displays a load screen while the next landscape is set up. Entropia is seamless from end to end in a large world with no reloads at all. LOTRO's doing that very much kills the immersion and natural feel that its fine graphics work so hard to build. Its a shame and makes a bigger difference in feel that I would have imagined. All in all, though, both are fun, but different beasts.

Front levers are about the same this week. Just logging progress for me.

I'm 60 pages—out of something like 800—or so into Dhalgren, possibly my favorite book of all time. It's the fourth read in 27 years. I've read a lot about and by Delany between then and now, and it feels getting used to his style speeds it up. Also, having some biographical information on him is enlightening with regard to certain details in the book. I just love the thing. It communicates a mood and atmosphere that is unlike anything else I've ever read.

Noting a little progress toward a front lever, just so I can track how things have come along. So far, this morning, I held one-legged ones for 13, 10, 8, 10, and 7 seconds, eventually just barely finishing out a full 60 seconds with one-legged levers, my best performance yet—before, I had to drop back to tucked levers to get the full 60. I'm inching my way up to the 15 second mark where I'll start working on holding a lever with two legs. Boy, does it ever wake your back muscles!

I really enjoyed watching Akira Kurosawa's Ikiru the other night. For anyone who struggles with subtitled foreign films, I highly recommend giving films like Ikiru a try. After a while you don't even notice you're reading. I especially enjoy foreign films because they have a different sort of flavor than Hollywood films. As for Kurosawa's films, a number of them are on most people's list of the greatest films of all time and I can see why.

Things in life right now conspire to turn my thoughts inward , and symmetrically, to turn my thoughts outward in other ways.

Inward. . .

Musings on my childhood inform the present. I am the youngest of five. Our home was busy, often chaotic. My mother worked and I was normally greeted after my walk home from school by our maid. My parents bickered a lot. Sarcasm was the order of the day. To reveal weakness was to invite insult and character assassination.

I was just a little boy.

I'm also sensitive in some ways. I cry easily—perhaps because I was explicitly given permission by my mother at my grandfather's funeral. My feelings are hurt easily. It upsets me when people are angry with me.

I was no match for my home. I laid low and lived my life in isolation to survive. I hid.

I still do. And it's done its share of harm.

I'm almost 50.

That hardly seem appropriate, does it?

Now, outward. . .

I have some wonderful friends: They talk with me when I need it. They offer to help if they can. They share their life experiences with me. Some of my family has laid down their arms and are taking up a life that includes kindness and compassion. They help, too.

What to make of it all?

I need to change. I have friends and family—not to mention professionals—that can help.

It's time I get moving.