Sunday, February 25, 2007
The last few weeks, indeed months, have been a time of introspection. Thematically, salient points are honesty—with myself—and courage.
Lack of these things costs me dearly.
Years ago, I didn't understand how I could lie to myself. Now I do. All it takes is fear and a lack of courage to face the fear. I can lie to myself about almost anything when I'm afraid of what might happen as a result of apprehension.
Years ago, I didn't understand how much fear dominates my life. I remember an old friend making the discovery way back when, and how he talked about it. I either didn't make the connection or refused to, my fear providing its own scrim to hide behind. I've let fear control my relations with people, what I do, how I behave.
And so, at almost fifty years old, what am I going to do about it?
Yesterday and the day before, I sat with friends that are like me, and we talked about the hurts we've felt, the fears that made us cower, and the things that help us feel better and to be decent, productive, sane people. I discovered that I am not alone.
Today, I have read things that people have written. People that have suffered—and inflicted suffering—like me, wise people who have graciously shared hard-earned wisdom about these things in life that seem so simple but can be so hard.
Today, I have prayed to my Lord, read some of His words, and set aside some time to think what I've done and must do.
Today, I went for a walk, and with blustery wind raveling the outer peace until it tattered, I felt an inner peace given to me.
Here is what it said:
I will be alright. I'm not on a battlefield; no one is trying to kill me. The people I have feared before, I do not have to fear today, for they are suffering, too. And if I find my courage, I can help myself and others to not suffer quite so much.
Today is a good day.
Lack of these things costs me dearly.
Years ago, I didn't understand how I could lie to myself. Now I do. All it takes is fear and a lack of courage to face the fear. I can lie to myself about almost anything when I'm afraid of what might happen as a result of apprehension.
Years ago, I didn't understand how much fear dominates my life. I remember an old friend making the discovery way back when, and how he talked about it. I either didn't make the connection or refused to, my fear providing its own scrim to hide behind. I've let fear control my relations with people, what I do, how I behave.
And so, at almost fifty years old, what am I going to do about it?
Yesterday and the day before, I sat with friends that are like me, and we talked about the hurts we've felt, the fears that made us cower, and the things that help us feel better and to be decent, productive, sane people. I discovered that I am not alone.
Today, I have read things that people have written. People that have suffered—and inflicted suffering—like me, wise people who have graciously shared hard-earned wisdom about these things in life that seem so simple but can be so hard.
Today, I have prayed to my Lord, read some of His words, and set aside some time to think what I've done and must do.
Today, I went for a walk, and with blustery wind raveling the outer peace until it tattered, I felt an inner peace given to me.
Here is what it said:
I will be alright. I'm not on a battlefield; no one is trying to kill me. The people I have feared before, I do not have to fear today, for they are suffering, too. And if I find my courage, I can help myself and others to not suffer quite so much.
Today is a good day.
# posted by goldpython @ 11:46 AM 
