Khan's Castle

Letting go of attachments has got to be the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.

I see someone I've known for decades crying over a wrong I committed against them, and the crying is coming after days of them puzzling through their rage at me. I want to try to comfort and care for them because that's what I've tried to do—ever so poorly I now understand—for my entire adult life. I can't though because I destroyed the thing I claimed to love more than anything. I am the reason for the tears.

Sometimes I simply cannot believe the harm I've done and somehow I'm supposed to let go of the past. I understand it intellectually, but I reckon it will be a while before my heart understands and I can forgive myself.

I look and I see the twenty year old that I fell in love with, not the fifty year old who is rightfully filled with rage at me.

What have I done?

I tell myself that if I could have done better, I would have, and now that I can do better, I am. It seems a bitter consolation in light of the human wreckage strewn in my wake.