Khan's Castle

I was talking with a good friend this afternoon and asked this question: Is an opinion really an opinion when it changes almost daily? The context involves my feelings about people—sometimes I think I just hate them in general. Then I meet people I really like and additionally note that I have friends I'm very fond of, so what is the provenance of that? As I dig into it, I realize that I hate myself on those bad days and that fear and mistrust color many relationships. Not all, but enough. I'm not sure of the source of the mistrust, but it seems to beget the fear, that in turn makes things like generosity difficult. For example, to simply give things away—particularly money—requires clearing a significant mental hurdle and until that's done, I react to the idea with a tightfisted Scrooge persona.

It occurs to me that fear of not having enough—of whatever—plays into the situation as well and has nothing to do with the other person. That fear simply doesn't match up with material reality. Its roots I know not.

Fears and more fears: of abandonment, of failure. Other will emerge if I sit and write enough, but that's enough for today.

What to do about them? How to relieve their hold on my life? It's not as if I've been completely shackled by them; I haven't, but I, like countless millions—my ancestors and my temporal peers as well—would like to be free of fear, especially the self-induced kind.