Khan's Castle

2009-05-01T14:27:00.003-04:00

It's been a while, but there it is. A couple things on my mind.

First, I am just loving the new—well, to me, anyway—Battlestar Galactica series. I like everything about it and I make one important personal note: This is a series that, like the original, I don't think I would have thought of very highly when I was younger. There are too many things that would bug a hardcore SF fan, which is what I thought myself back in the day. Now, I'm happy to report, I'm quite willing and able to let enough of that rigidity so that I can get to the main point, which is the human drama. I'm still aware of it, but it doesn't ruin things for me. Hallelujah! At any rate, I find it to be a wonderful show.

My car was in the shop earlier this week and I discovered that the city bus works very well for me to get to make my daily commute into the office. It's seems to be a nicely done system with which I look forward to becoming more familiar, to learn and use more of the routes and the like. I've enjoyed it.

2009-03-26T11:55:00.002-04:00

I just re-read L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time and found myself loving it as much at age 50 as I did in the 5th grade when our teacher read it to us.

Out of curiosity, I read some reviews of the book in Amazon and was struck by some with a pronounced Christian slant. A couple I read objected to the characterization of Jesus as a "fighter" or the mention of Buddha at all. What almost always strikes me is the blatant presentation of belief as fact, i.e. they seem to confuse believing with knowing, faith with fact. What is the real shame is that they usually seem unaware that of the confusion. Moreover, they often proceed to judge and damn others from their confused stance. And that, is the real rub.

So, for me, my challenge is to not want to change them. That's my spiritual path.

2009-03-23T14:24:00.002-04:00

A movie I really enjoyed: Raise the Red Lantern. A Chinese film set in the 20's about a young woman who becomes a concubine and the intrigues that follow. Thought provoking and beautifully filmed and directed.

Still using the Dvorak keyboard layout—at work, a TypeMatrix keyboard—and my speed and fluidity is coming right along. It's no longer a chore to type although my mind will still sort of lock up when encountering odd key sequences. Common words though, just roll off the fingertips in a way they can't on a QWERTY layout. There is a smoothness there that makes typing feel very different, very nice.

2009-03-17T08:35:00.002-04:00

As I've gotten back into climbing in the last year or so I have clearly seen three weaknesses: Forearm strength, forearm endurance, and footwork. At my age, I have to be careful in training my forearms so that I don't injure myself, my hands in particular. That makes footwork a good candidate for focus right now.

2009-03-11T12:24:00.002-04:00

Letting go of attachments has got to be the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.

I see someone I've known for decades crying over a wrong I committed against them, and the crying is coming after days of them puzzling through their rage at me. I want to try to comfort and care for them because that's what I've tried to do—ever so poorly I now understand—for my entire adult life. I can't though because I destroyed the thing I claimed to love more than anything. I am the reason for the tears.

Sometimes I simply cannot believe the harm I've done and somehow I'm supposed to let go of the past. I understand it intellectually, but I reckon it will be a while before my heart understands and I can forgive myself.

I look and I see the twenty year old that I fell in love with, not the fifty year old who is rightfully filled with rage at me.

What have I done?

I tell myself that if I could have done better, I would have, and now that I can do better, I am. It seems a bitter consolation in light of the human wreckage strewn in my wake.

2009-03-05T11:25:00.002-05:00

A couple good movies of late:

I loved The House of Flying Daggers. Beautiful visuals, wonderful choreography and performances made for a martial arts film that I enjoyed as much as any film I've seen in a while.

In a slightly different vein, The Forbidden Kingdom with Jackie Chan and Jet Li was a lot of fun, perhaps a touch more lighthearted. I confess a real fondness for Chan, his acrobatic talent and his delightful sense of humor.

And my children and I simply laughed our heads off at Get Smart. Fabulous!

On other fronts:

I had gotten to the point where I was not doing my upper body workouts because they were taking almost an hour. And so, I was doing nothing. Non smart. What I've been doing for weeks now is interleaving little sets of levers or pullups into my daily life instead. When I walk past the pullup bar, I see how long I can hold a one-legged lever. Or do 5 pullups. Things like that. If I'm a touch sore, I back off a little for the day. Lo and behold, my strength is coming back up. It may not be the ideal way to train, but it's clearly better than doing nothing. It also makes the time spent working out seem almost imperceptable. It's basically free and so it gets done.

Spiritually, I've been working to increase my awareness of myself. Writings by Anthony De Mello are particularly helpful. I have his The Way to Love and Awareness. Wonderful stuff! The blending of Buddhist and Christian ideas is beautiful and useful in immediate and practical ways.

2009-02-13T15:35:00.002-05:00

I watch the back and forth in politics from the right and left and just think: I'm really sick of all this stuff!

And that's really enough of that for one post. . .

2009-02-03T10:59:00.002-05:00

So the question on the floor is this: Am I even capable of love as opposed to attachment?

I find I don't quite know the answer to that and suspect that most of what I've thought of as love over the years is really just attachment. It's not a particularly happy thought to have been so unaware and unloving over the years, but as they say, awareness is the first step to change.

2009-01-24T16:59:00.001-05:00

Well, Federer is in the Australian final! I'm so pulling for him. I just love the way that guy plays the game.

And on with my typing with the Dvorak layout. I like it more and more the longer I stick with it. It is quite a transition, I'll give it that, but so many words really fly off the fingers when you get acclimated. Many more than with the QWERTY layout. Overall, it's much less stressful and more comfortable on the hands, and I say that being someone that didn't even have issues in that realm.

I can't wait for the TypeMatrix keyboard I ordered at work.

My two younger children have really gotten into Lego's Power Miners. To me, it's simply remarkable the way Lego keeps coming up with such fun creative sets. My hat's off to those guys. In my humble opinion, no home should be without a whole pile of Lego. It's just too cool!

2009-01-21T09:28:00.002-05:00

Just watched the inauguration address on youtube.com. The man is an excellent speaker, for sure. My heart wants to hope for the best while my head is concerned about the reality of his presidency.

I discovered TypeMatrix keyboards while surfing the other day and I'm going to get one at work. It's a little bit of a story. Switching to the Dvorak layout recently forced me into real touch-typing because the labeling on a regular keyboard is, of course, for QWERTY, and therefore useless once the keys are remapped. It's coming along just fine and I find that there are many more words that roll off the fingers nicely. I find a single thing that is a minor irritation: The location of "f" on what is the "y" key on a QWERTY layout. It's a long reach as reaches go on a keyboard and "f'" seems more common than "y". TypeMatrix keyboards have the keys vertically aligned rather than staggered, making the reach to "f" the same as the reach to "b". For the other hand, the reach to "x" and "y" ("b" and "t" on a QWERTY layout) will be the same. At any rate, it will be interesting to see how it feels. Better, I hope.

As an aside, the usual staggering of the keys has its roots in mechanical keyboard design. There is no reason at all for it on a computer except that "it's always been that way", in other words, there's no reason at all.

2009-01-12T16:31:00.005-05:00

I've started to write a post a half dozen times in the last week and got distracted every time and never got anything up here. Now I can't remember what I had on my mind. Sheesh!

I'll ramble a while, then:

Here's a great quote from president-elect Obama that refers to closing the U.S. prison at Guantanamo Bay: "It is more difficult than I think a lot of people realize." The irony is that he himself was "a lot of people" until a short time ago and very likely should say that "it is more difficult than I think I realized". My guess is that every single incoming first-term president could say that about a lot of things. The question is are they big enough to admit it? Or would that be viewed as a confidence-in-the-president killer? Certainly, saying it too often would not be good, but still.

Zelda: Twilight Princess is turning out to be a fabulous game as expected. I'm beginning the third dungeon and have something like 18 hours into the game. Great stuff!

A personal time marker: My upper body workouts had gotten long enough that I had all but quit doing them, so I've changed to grabbing a short set of pullups or lever exercises most times I walk past the pullup bar. This is getting me probably half a dozen sets a day. When I feel a little sore, I back off for a day. I don't know how this will go in the long term, but it seems good for now.

2009-01-04T10:40:00.002-05:00

Chess has always fascinated me, not enough to make me a very good player, mind you, but the elegance and sophistication of the game itself combined with the artistic rendering of the pieces I much admire. (For that matter, I hold a similar affection for a standard pack of 52 playing cards, but that's another blog entry.)

House of Staunton's web site shows some extraordinary pieces and boards, spanning a range from $13,000 down to under $50 and they all look lovely. They include some beautiful pre-Staunton designs (an example here) and as well as themed sets, and perhaps most interesting, they make the two additional Seirawan pieces, with when added to a regular set, form a Seirawan chess set.

Seirawan chess, much like Fischerandom chess, is an attempt to remove opening memorization as a major element of success and return the game to one of skill and reason. I'm not good enough to have actually experienced a need for that, but I know enough to understand how, at a high enough level, the need would arise. I like the idea of new twist on an old game that maintains—and maybe even restores—the spirit of the game.

Moving from a game of logic to the spiritual realm . . .

Fr. Anthony de Mello has some wonderful thoughts about awareness and love, blending Buddhist and Christian ideas and likely others I'm not aware of. My affection for Buddhist spirituality is quite connected to its empiricism, that is, they don't ask that you believe anything, only that you try their way and see for yourself. I did and I did. As well, I find that Buddhism enlightens my understanding of Christ's teaching wonderfully. For this reason alone, de Mello's work is well worth a look.

2008-12-26T18:38:00.002-05:00

These days, if I was asked, I would probably identify myself as a Buddhist. Having said that, I would also say that my Buddhist training has helped me see farther into Jesus' teaching and has made me a better Christian in ways that seem important to me. In light of what I've learned from Shakyamuni and Jesus—the two people in this world that were so different from everyone around them that others asked what they were not just who they were—I wish everyone—and as much as is possible for this unenlightened person, I really mean everyone—the very best of Christmas.

For me, this Christmas is a time of change, renewal, and of acknowledgement of reality. A time of compassion and reconciliation, of struggle and release. A time of giving and receiving, of teaching and learning. A time of thinking and feeling, of compassion and love.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

2008-12-21T12:02:00.002-05:00

Finished the last of Cowboy Bebop the other day thinking, "What a great series!" It has a great combination of elements: Characters, story, setting, artwork, and music. Really good music, written by Yoko Kanno, performed by her band, the Seatbelts, with Mai Yamane often singing lead. I highly recommend it for anime for an teen and up audience.

While out Christmas shopping yesterday, we picked up ThinkFun Rush Hour Deluxe Edition as a game for the house. It's a really fun puzzle type game, all about working your car out of gridlock. Fun for hours.

2008-12-15T13:17:00.002-05:00

My mind has been scattered lately and sitting down to write just wasn't happening. So just that rambling may serve:

Why are mechanical pencils sold in stores in bags of ten? Don't you just replace the lead instead of the pencil?

I think the thing I dislike about the Christmas season the most is The Twelve Days of Christmas. I just hate that song. And of course, that right there is a great thing to work on, that is, letting go of an aversion to a silly song. Yes, a great thing, but a really hard one, too.

It would be very helpful if the beeper on my hp-50g was louder. When using it as a timer for meditation outside, I have to set half a dozen alarms to make sure I hear it. Admittedly, using the thing that way is a touch outside what the designers had in mind. It was available, what can I say?

And writing the code to allow for easy entry of an alarm song for said calculator may not pass a rigid cost/benefit analysis. And besides, it's tedious as all get out programming on a 2" x 3" screen.

During my 40 minute outdoor meditation Sunday morning, I was straffed not once, but twice, by a very low-flying airplane that bore an uncanny resemblence to my twelve year old daughter. On the second pass, I got tapped on the head by a putative wingtip as it swooshed by. Nonplussed as I was, my face knew what to do and simply could not contain the grin that blossomed from a deep paternal love of her, her rascalness, and her gift of a priceless moment in meditation.

At age 50, I still like practicing wheelies on my mountain bike. There's a silly joy there. It's just fun!

My little friend, the crab spider that set up shop in my front yard for the whole summer and fall, has disappeared for the winter, I think. That tiny creature always brought me a smile. I hope to see it again in the spring.

With these odds and ends, I notice that there are some delightful moments there. It's been good to write them down and see them.

2008-12-10T19:38:00.002-05:00

It's a rainy night outside, still life inside.

Life's choices echo in the silence. Grief lingers as images of the past drift in and out of thought. We both did the best we could, didn't we?

2008-12-08T13:36:00.002-05:00

I was at party the other night and at it were a number of people quite different from me. That fact, via a later conversation, made me realize this: Not voicing a judgement about someone or something is not the same thing as not making a judgement in the first place. While controlling our actions is a good thing, if the mind isn't controlled, integrity is compromised. Control the mind and the actions will follow. Freeing the mind from the habit of judgement is, I think, a major step in spiritual growth and part of doing that is ceasing to cling to the desire that things be different than they are.

Less serious stuff:

Finished the first DVD of Outlaw Star. While I don't like the music too much and the quality of the animation is mediocre, I enjoy the characters and the overall story.

2008-12-05T08:12:00.002-05:00

Attachments.

Boy, I can really cause myself some trouble with those things!

I speak with a friend on the phone and joy over the conversation manifests. And then it happens as it has before: I cling. I want a guarantee that I'll have more of it in the future. And then fear and anxiety about it threatens to obliterate the joy that was so obviously present not five minutes prior. The rollercoaster leaves the station!

My prayer is that I can learn to enjoy what comes my way, to accept the good in life, and to be able to trust that more will come, that I'll be OK, that I don't have to try to manipulate people and things to keep me safe, that safety is not in holding on tighter, but in letting go.

2008-12-04T11:14:00.002-05:00

The Tomatometer weighs in at 73% for Wanted, the movie starring, among others, Angelina Jolie. I sure wouldn't be that generous with it. It's the first film in a very long time that I almost turned off. If I hadn't been watching it with a friend, I would have.

2008-12-01T14:04:00.002-05:00

Loss is something that sticks with me, for whatever reason. I have no idea if I'm unusual in the degree to which I feel it. I have no way of knowing, but my guess is that my feelings, both in content and intensity, are as common as leaves on trees. Things that get me sometimes:

My dog that had to be put down in 1990. Such a great companion! I haven't wanted a dog since. It may be odd that this is at the top of this list, but it always is.
Losing a particular climbing partner when I moved away from the area for good. That was hard enough, but after an email argument over politics and the years passing, I only get to talk to him when visiting. Nowadays, he and his wife have a lot on their plate, and so for now, there's legitimately no opportunity.
My first and only marriage. I was and am devastated. Not much else to say about that except that I can now freely admit my share of blame for it.
The .22 rifle that my Dad gave me for Christmas when I was 12. It's not the thing that was important, it was the connection with my Dad that it represented.
Time lost not doing what I really wanted to do because I was afraid of failing or of what people might think.
Aspects of a relationship with one friend are being lost, something I struggle with.

A wise and compassionate friend mentioned that he views some of these things as change, not loss.

And with that advice, I remember that my suffering is all in my state of mind. Things are impermanent and not letting attachments own me is where my work is.

2008-11-29T09:19:00.002-05:00

I've been watching and listening to The Real Folk Blues, written by Yoko Kanno, used as the closing song for Cowboy Bebop. It brings up an interesting subject, which is the turning off of perception so that one can sense what is really there.

The song is sung in Japanese, except, interestingly enough, the first line of the chorus, which is "the real folk blues" sung in English. This anomaly of a line is part of a delicious contrast between not understanding the Japanese and understanding the English. Stated more directly, the contrast is between sensing and perceiving. I can only sense the Japanese and so it's easier to observe nuances in note articulation, that is, to hear the music as performed. With the English part, I have to turn off my interpretation of the words to do the same thing.

A good friend tells me the same thing is in play when drawing. The concept is key in Buddhism, too, where we're taught not to judge things and to let go of preconceived notions about things so that we can accept them as they are.

It's an important idea for me to stay connected with and use.

It's also another great example of how our minds get in our own way.

And the comical item from the morning?

When programmed properly, an hp-48g makes a great waffle timer!

2008-11-26T20:35:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in the US. How about some things I'm thankful for?

My health.
Three children that I not only love but like, something that I've come to understand is not a given.
A wife that I still love and that still loves me even as we shape a new future much different from the past.
A very dear woman who has helped me know to myself better and to be a better man.
Zen and my meditation practice.
My support group and my sponser.
My job, especially in these times.
Climbing.
Enough money to pay the bills.
Lime sherbet.
Sardines.
Nice guitars and amps.
Orange sherbet.
Nice bowls—for lime sherbet.
A nice little apartment in a great location.
Lime sherbet.
Futons.
My bike.
Did I mention lime sherbet?
The Internet and computers.
The fact that this didn't take all night to write because my typing is coming along.
Lime sherbet.

I could go on and on, really. And there you go.

Pumpkin pie tomorrow, but for now: Where's my spoon?

2008-11-24T08:15:00.002-05:00

Just as a personal marker, the last few days have seen meditation without various muscles in my back knotting up, a most welcome change, and one that brings hope, too, that I can attend another sesshin without it being torturous. My fingers are crossed on that account. As for doing it at all, it's a delicate balance to apply enough force with the right muscles—the inner ones—to sit erect while leaving the other muscles—the outer ones—relaxed, something harder for me than I would have imagined. I find that to get it right I must be calm and well centered. Imagine that.

And while on the subject of meditation, I can't recommend it enough. It doesn't take any money or equipment to speak of and it is helpful, both to oneself and the people one comes into contact with. There are many kinds; I practice shikantaza, a type of meditation closely associated with Zen. With this, as in all things as I'm coming to understand, we all have to find our own path.

And speaking of paths, I could really rip one up on one of these things. Hah! I refuse to age out of this stuff!

2008-11-22T20:18:00.002-05:00

Ah, the typing saga continues...

And isn't awareness the key to all things, really, even typing?

Like:

Where my fingers are when I'm typing because the letters on the keytops, except for 'a' and 'm', don't match reality.
Getting some letter combinations to roll off the fingers by letting go instead of holding on tighter.
Not digging too deep with the pick while practicing scales on guitar.
Paying attention to the speed and volume of air while working on flute.
Watching the tension in various muscles in my back when in meditation and adjusting them without verbalizing a word.
Feeling my emotions arise during difficult conversations and being able to name them, but not let them take me over.
Seeing my behaviors that cause harm and putting a stop to them before they go too far.
Feeling anger flash and looking underneath to examine the primary emotion.

The list could go on and on.

Paying attention, being aware, being awake.

Being in the moment.

Alive.

2008-11-21T14:43:00.003-05:00

My definition of serenity has changed over these months: Instead of thinking of it as pain-free living—clearly incorrect at this point—I see it now as the ability stay centered in the midst of emotional turmoil. The feelings come and go. I—whatever "I" is—stay. I am not my feelings, I experience my feelings.

((Of course, true serenity can be bought at select bike shops across the country...hehe))